Lincoln Traffic: I-80 East Edition

Excuse me sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?

It's been quite some time since I have touched on the wonderfully entertaining subject that is Lincoln Traffic.  I think I have stretched things a bit in this edition, but I think you will agree with me that it should still be considered part of Lincoln's traffic Gordian Knot (Google it).

In the recent past, I had to drive to Omaha about once a week for work.  The way things are now (long story which can be read two blogs ago), I only make the trek to Omaha about every three week or so.  Regardless, there has remained one constant.  The Stinkin' Lincoln inhabitants making their way to Omaha on I-80 are dangerous!  Seriously, it's amazing people don't die daily on I-80 between Lincoln and Omaha in the East bound lane.  Now, let me paint the picture for you so you can understand where I am coming from.

First of all, you get on the interstate at the Waverly entrance where it is currently under construction but is still two lanes heading East and there are concrete barriers on the left and right for the first couple miles.  As you get on and merge into traffic, you can immediately identify the Lincolnites.  They are the ones who's knuckles are white as the driven snow since they have to drive a whole 60 MPH through this "tight" area where those concrete barriers could jump out at us at any moment.  Not only are they in a state of complete fear, they can't seem to keep an eye on the speed limit.  Therefore they are only driving somewhere between 50-65 MPH if you are lucky.  Then you find an opening in the traffic to pass this Bozo and as you are driving by, you look over to give the guy a dirty look and they won't take their eyes off the road for even a second.  Which is really all for the best because those eyes are filled to the brim with fear, but very unfulfilling for me because I had one doozy of dirty luck ready for them.

After several miles, we get through the stretch of interstate that is two lanes and we come to Greenwood, NE where the interstate construction has been completed and there are three wide open lanes with no concrete barriers to make the Lincolnites' tummies hurt from all that anxiety.  Now that things have opened up, you would think that the average Lincolnite would no longer make himself a nuisance.  Well, you would be wrong.  At this point, the Lincolnites take a position in the center lane (which is called, THE PASSING LANE for all you Lincolnites reading this), and decide now would be a good time to get out their cell phones and either send that important text or to call their mommies and let them know they made it through the ever so dangerous, two lane portion of the interstate.  Regardless of their reason for making their phone call or sending that text, they drive at a snails pace down the middle of the interstate while swerving from one side of the lane to the next.  Meanwhile, you are trying to decide if it's safe to pass this person since they are obviously taking care of some very important business that just couldn't wait until they got out of their vehicles, or at the very least off the interstate.

Finally, you get up the courage to pass this swerving idiot from Lincoln and put the hammer down and blow the Lincolnites' doors off.  No sooner do you get past him and you notice that the Lincolnite has noticed he has been passed, therefore he has to speed up.  Next thing you know, this driving lunatic is next to you and as you look over, you notice it's time for him to send another flippin' text message!  So you speed up again in an attempt to get in front of this Lincolnite moron.  As you get passed the guy, you look in your rearview mirror only to see this guy looking up from his cell phone and realizing he isn't keeping up with traffic, so of course, he speeds up.

It's at this point that I usually have had enough and am actually a little bit scared that this ninny might just remember he needs to text or phone his Nana to let her know he was thinking of her instead of thinking about the stretch of interstate he has been driving on!  So, it's time to put the hammer down and leave this boob in my dust.  "Burn some dust!  Eat my rubber!"  (Good ol' Clark Griswold)

Usually by this time I have made it to Omaha alive...usually.  Hopefully if you are a Lincolnite and you read this, you won't be incredibly offended by my disdain for the Lincoln driver.  Afterall, you can't help it.  It's not your fault that the city of Lincoln chose to make getting around town an experience that can only be survived by crawling into the inner recesses of your mind and basically driving in a trance-like state.  By necessity very little of your brain is used while driving in Lincoln.  Otherwise you would realize how incredibly stupid the whole process is and would most likely find the nearest cliff to drive off of.  Even I, an Omaha native, born and raised, goes into that trance-like state.  It's purely a survival tactic our brain uses to keep us alive.

No, instead of being offended by this issue of Stinkin' Lincoln, I hope you will use this as an opportunity to be self aware while driving East bound on I-80.  If you look at it that way, you will see this blog for what it is; A public service announcement.  Drive safe Lincoln!