The Jerk Store Called...

It could be worse.  I could be this guy. 

I have come to a realization.  I am a jerk, and really, that is putting it rather mildly. I am holding back from using some words that probably describe me in a very succinct way.  However, I will spare you the vulgarity that would otherwise be used.

Actually, my being a jerk is really something I have known for years, if not my whole life.  But I figured at some point I would grow out of it, or perhaps people would just accept it as part of my unique personality.  Although, people should never have to "accept" a person for being a jerk.  I would never ask anyone to do that.  At any rate, it appears I won't be growing out of it.  In fact I have reached an age where certain traits are ingrained and will probably never be extracted from my personality, be that for the good or bad.

You may be asking, why on earth would I decide to tell this to my meager fan-base?  To be honest, I have had writers block lately and could not really think of anything else to write about.  However, I feel it is worth writing about because I want the world to know that I recognize my foremost shortcoming.  I want you to know why I am this way.  The truth is, I really do not know why, so this will be an exploration into my psyche for us all.  Sometimes I can just start writing and next thing we know I am deep into the hell that is my mind.  At this moment, I feel we may already be about three fathoms into this deep, dark place, so I hope you brought a light, because I am almost positive we will not be able to see our hand in front of our face in here.

Why am I this way?  I had a good childhood.  I was an only child, but I had a couple of families my parents were friends with that had a group of brothers that I felt were almost as close as brothers could have ever been.  We played football, baseball, basketball and any other kind of ball we could find.  Sometimes we did not even have a ball.  We just used up a balled up wad of tape.  Our parents did not like us to play with guns, so we made our own out of Legos.  We played hide and seek at night in golf courses, cemeteries, corn fields, and throughout entire city blocks.  Then as I got older I made many friends and had about as much fun in life as I probably could have and definitely more than I should have. 

My parents took very good care of me physically and materially.   I had a great relationship with my grandfather on my dad's side and loved the other three grandparents, even if they had their quirks.  I got to see Star Wars, E.T. and Raiders of the Lost Arc.  I had a "girlfriend" in kindergarten for crying out loud.  (Then there was a long 11 year drought in the girlfriend department. Throughout that time I hoped I hadn't peaked at 6 years old.)

That was the positive, now on to the negative I had in my life.  I hated school with a passion.  I was treated like crap for being a porky, short and awkward adolescent.  Fatboy, Butterball, and Fat Ass were some of my nicknames throughout Junior High and my Freshman and Sophomore years.  That all ended when I showed up Junior year having grown out of most of the baby fat. 

Additionally, I hardly ever tried in school.  Almost every teacher I ever had said I had a great deal of potential if I would just try.  I had a counselor tell me once that the reason I was the way I was in school was because I found school boring because it did not challenge me (and then he sent me back to my same old boring class.  Good job Mr. Counselor.).  I would agree with what the counselor said in some ways, but man do I hate math and I do not think that has anything to do with me being bored with it.  I was always a rockstar when it came to English courses.  When I was in 4th grade I tested at a college level in English.  Even so, pretty much this is the way every semester went in school: 1st Quarter D average, 2nd Quarter C average, 3rd Quarter F average, 4th Quarter C- average.  I actually almost flunked English my senior year which would have meant summer school, so I went from an F- average in 3rd quarter to a D+.  I am the quintessential under-achiever.

Then there was a period of time in my life where I felt like everyone I knew was going away in one way or another.  Guys I grew up with choosing to run off with worthless girls...or in one case another guy.  Pretty much every girl I ever dated wound up in trouble in some way or another.  My first "love" dumped me like last weeks garbage.  Then I was so hung up on her I probably was blind to other opportunities that were right in front of me.

However, most of my friends that got drug off by girls came back (Can't say the same for the guy that went off with the other guy).   I ended up marrying a wonderful person and great friend.  I ran a successful business for 15 years.   So why the heck am I such a jerk?

Sure there were a few things like school, verbal abuse, and anxiety that I dealt with when I was younger.  I had my beliefs about friends being inseparable shattered to a million pieces.  I had my heart stepped on by a girl and then I was too protective of it.  After 15 years of running that successful business I had to drop our biggest account because they no longer felt like treating us as a business partner but rather they treated us like poop on a shoe.

Really though, these are not the reasons I am a jerk.  Partly it comes down to genetics.  From what I understand my great grand father was a boozing, womanizing, physically abusive man.  As a result my grandmother is not the worlds nicest person.  On top of that, there are some people I am related to that are Coo-Coo for Coco Puffs and that goes back a couple generations.  Hence, you can see that I have all kinds of things going against me in the genetics department. 

Another, I think obvious cause to me being a jerk, is me being an only child.  I am used to getting my way, I think I am right all the time, and I think there should always be a just way to handle things.  Therefore, if I don't get my way, you prove me wrong, or there is a perceived injustice, I will most likely deal with you in a harsh, bombastic way.

Most of all though, I am a jerk because I am stuck in stinkin' Lincoln. I have been trying to get out of this place for 15 years, and hear I sit.

With all of these things in mind, let me say I am making no excuses.  I would love nothing more than being the chipper, always bright eyed and bushy tailed guy that you cut off in traffic and he just waves and says he's sorry for being in your way.  Instead I am the guy that after being cut off might reach for his bottle of water and think very seriously about chucking it at the offender. (99.9999999% of the time I stop myself.)  I wish I was the guy that could just be content with everything that life bestows upon him.  Instead I am the guy that looks at his situation and thinks, "Why didn't I take that left turn instead of a right? Maybe things would have worked out better that way."

All I can say is, thank goodness for pharmaceuticals!  You should thank goodness too.  Otherwise you could be driving along and unknowingly cut someone off and then moments later feel the sting of a half empty water bottle striking the side of your head. 

Show Some Manners...Jerk!

I find it highly interesting how the 55 miles between Omaha and Lincoln may as well be the Grand Canyon. The people of Lincoln seem to have a definite aversion to the people of Omaha. Really, it's no wonder. The people from each city are top to bottom different from each other. When I go back to Omaha, specifically back to my old part of town, South Omaha, it astonishes me how people are much more polite and friendly than in Lincoln. People in Omaha seem to have been taught something that is quickly fading from humanity in general, including Stinkin' Lincoln. Yes, it's the long lost art of manners. Perhaps you have heard of them. However, just in case the term has no meaning to you, let me explain. You see, when another human being does a nice thing like hold open a door for you, what you are supposed to say is, "Thank you." Or maybe you bump into someone, at this point you are supposed to say, "Excuse me," or maybe, "I'm sorry." These expressions seem to be missing from the Lincolnite lexicon.

This brings us to the whole reason why I decided to blog tonight. I had a run in earlier today with a self absorbed, rude, tactless jerk. Am I being melodramatic? You be the judge:

As I was heading to work, I left with just enough extra time to run an errand. I had some packages that I needed to get shipped, so I headed to the UPS Store. I pulled up to the little strip mall that the store inhabits and noticed that I had my pick of a few parking spots right in front of the store. After parking, I gather my packages together and head into the store. I had them all prepaid for, so it was a very quick transaction. Upon finishing, I headed for the exit and as I opened the door, a gentleman (I use the term loosely) coming in got to the door at about the same time. I stepped aside and let him come in. I didn't even think about it at the time, but I didn't get any sort of acknowledgement for the gesture. No "thanks", no "excuse me", not even a head nod. What made me think of this later on, was what happened next.

I step towards my car I noticed that someone had parked their truck directly behind me and boxed me in. The baffling part was when I looked over to the empty parking stall two stalls down. I examined the truck and tried to think if any of my friends drive a 2005-ish Mazda pickup, because the most logical reason for parking behind someone when there is an open spot just a few feet away is that it has to be some kind of joke. But, I was sure none of my friends drove a truck like this. So, I looked around at the potential places the owner could be. I came to the conclusion that it must be the fella that was going into the UPS Store as I was leaving.

Then I thought, maybe I could just wait it out until he is done. But that's when I looked at my watch and saw I was running a little late now. So I walk with a purpose back into the UPS Store and see the suspect standing at the counter speaking with the customer service representative. I approach the suspect and ask him if that is his truck out there parked behind me. He looks over at me, clearly annoyed that I have interrupted his conversation and says, "Yeah, I'll be there in a minute." In return, I say, "Well, I am late for work, if you could move it now I would appreciate it." He looks at me again, this time even more annoyed and fires back, "I said, I will be there in a minute. I am almost done." It's at this point when I hear this voice that sounds exactly like mine say, "Oh, okay...jerk."

When I realized it was indeed my voice that uttered those words, I headed for the exit. Once I got outside and was waiting for the nice man to come move his truck, I reassessed what had happened, and came to the conclusion that I was spot on with my remark (Usually though, it's best to keep such realizations to ones self. That being said, from this point on, the man parked behind me will be referred to simply as "Jerk"). As I saw Jerk exit the store, I opened up my car door and started to get in. That's when Jerk unloaded on me. "YOU CALL ME A JERK, MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK IN THE MIRROR! IF YOU WOULD HAVE JUST LET ME FINISH UP IN THERE INSTEAD OF INTERRUPTING ME, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN DONE FASTER! I WASN'T HURTING YOU BY PARKING HERE."

After being about halfway into my car, I pulled myself back out of the car, took a few steps towards Jerk and said, "Look, is there a reason you couldn't have parked in that spot right there!? (Pointing at empty stall.) You are a thoughtless jerk." The only satisfaction I got out of the whole incident was when I noticed after I got out of the car and took a few steps towards him, his expression changed, his tone changed, and he was trying to get those keys to work as fast as Lane Myer when he was being chased by the paperboy who wanted his $2. I think I scared the Jerk. Which is quite empowering when you are only a 5' 6" guy with a Napoleon Complex.

As I turned back to get into my car, I hear him say, "No, you're the jerk!", as he is shutting the door of his truck. I look back at him, and now that he is safe and secure in his truck with all the windows up and doors shut, he goes on a rant of epic proportions. Most of which I can't repeat because of the fact that this is a family blog.

Now, going back and analyzing the situation, we saw that he never once said he was sorry. Of course, I might have played a very small part in not hearing the apology. But, had it been me, I would have been apologizing all over the place if someone told me I was blocking them in. Then, somehow, after his ridiculous behavior, I turn out to be the jerk (Which by reading my blogs, you have to agree with the guy to a certain degree).

This is just one example of the lack of manners and selfish behavior that goes on in this fine city of Stinkin' Lincoln. It's things like this that continue to add to my disdain for this place. But hey, without these antics it just wouldn't be Stinkin' Lincoln.