Lincoln Traffic: I-80 East Edition

Excuse me sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?

It's been quite some time since I have touched on the wonderfully entertaining subject that is Lincoln Traffic.  I think I have stretched things a bit in this edition, but I think you will agree with me that it should still be considered part of Lincoln's traffic Gordian Knot (Google it).

In the recent past, I had to drive to Omaha about once a week for work.  The way things are now (long story which can be read two blogs ago), I only make the trek to Omaha about every three week or so.  Regardless, there has remained one constant.  The Stinkin' Lincoln inhabitants making their way to Omaha on I-80 are dangerous!  Seriously, it's amazing people don't die daily on I-80 between Lincoln and Omaha in the East bound lane.  Now, let me paint the picture for you so you can understand where I am coming from.

First of all, you get on the interstate at the Waverly entrance where it is currently under construction but is still two lanes heading East and there are concrete barriers on the left and right for the first couple miles.  As you get on and merge into traffic, you can immediately identify the Lincolnites.  They are the ones who's knuckles are white as the driven snow since they have to drive a whole 60 MPH through this "tight" area where those concrete barriers could jump out at us at any moment.  Not only are they in a state of complete fear, they can't seem to keep an eye on the speed limit.  Therefore they are only driving somewhere between 50-65 MPH if you are lucky.  Then you find an opening in the traffic to pass this Bozo and as you are driving by, you look over to give the guy a dirty look and they won't take their eyes off the road for even a second.  Which is really all for the best because those eyes are filled to the brim with fear, but very unfulfilling for me because I had one doozy of dirty luck ready for them.

After several miles, we get through the stretch of interstate that is two lanes and we come to Greenwood, NE where the interstate construction has been completed and there are three wide open lanes with no concrete barriers to make the Lincolnites' tummies hurt from all that anxiety.  Now that things have opened up, you would think that the average Lincolnite would no longer make himself a nuisance.  Well, you would be wrong.  At this point, the Lincolnites take a position in the center lane (which is called, THE PASSING LANE for all you Lincolnites reading this), and decide now would be a good time to get out their cell phones and either send that important text or to call their mommies and let them know they made it through the ever so dangerous, two lane portion of the interstate.  Regardless of their reason for making their phone call or sending that text, they drive at a snails pace down the middle of the interstate while swerving from one side of the lane to the next.  Meanwhile, you are trying to decide if it's safe to pass this person since they are obviously taking care of some very important business that just couldn't wait until they got out of their vehicles, or at the very least off the interstate.

Finally, you get up the courage to pass this swerving idiot from Lincoln and put the hammer down and blow the Lincolnites' doors off.  No sooner do you get past him and you notice that the Lincolnite has noticed he has been passed, therefore he has to speed up.  Next thing you know, this driving lunatic is next to you and as you look over, you notice it's time for him to send another flippin' text message!  So you speed up again in an attempt to get in front of this Lincolnite moron.  As you get passed the guy, you look in your rearview mirror only to see this guy looking up from his cell phone and realizing he isn't keeping up with traffic, so of course, he speeds up.

It's at this point that I usually have had enough and am actually a little bit scared that this ninny might just remember he needs to text or phone his Nana to let her know he was thinking of her instead of thinking about the stretch of interstate he has been driving on!  So, it's time to put the hammer down and leave this boob in my dust.  "Burn some dust!  Eat my rubber!"  (Good ol' Clark Griswold)

Usually by this time I have made it to Omaha alive...usually.  Hopefully if you are a Lincolnite and you read this, you won't be incredibly offended by my disdain for the Lincoln driver.  Afterall, you can't help it.  It's not your fault that the city of Lincoln chose to make getting around town an experience that can only be survived by crawling into the inner recesses of your mind and basically driving in a trance-like state.  By necessity very little of your brain is used while driving in Lincoln.  Otherwise you would realize how incredibly stupid the whole process is and would most likely find the nearest cliff to drive off of.  Even I, an Omaha native, born and raised, goes into that trance-like state.  It's purely a survival tactic our brain uses to keep us alive.

No, instead of being offended by this issue of Stinkin' Lincoln, I hope you will use this as an opportunity to be self aware while driving East bound on I-80.  If you look at it that way, you will see this blog for what it is; A public service announcement.  Drive safe Lincoln!

The Jerk Store Called...

It could be worse.  I could be this guy. 

I have come to a realization.  I am a jerk, and really, that is putting it rather mildly. I am holding back from using some words that probably describe me in a very succinct way.  However, I will spare you the vulgarity that would otherwise be used.

Actually, my being a jerk is really something I have known for years, if not my whole life.  But I figured at some point I would grow out of it, or perhaps people would just accept it as part of my unique personality.  Although, people should never have to "accept" a person for being a jerk.  I would never ask anyone to do that.  At any rate, it appears I won't be growing out of it.  In fact I have reached an age where certain traits are ingrained and will probably never be extracted from my personality, be that for the good or bad.

You may be asking, why on earth would I decide to tell this to my meager fan-base?  To be honest, I have had writers block lately and could not really think of anything else to write about.  However, I feel it is worth writing about because I want the world to know that I recognize my foremost shortcoming.  I want you to know why I am this way.  The truth is, I really do not know why, so this will be an exploration into my psyche for us all.  Sometimes I can just start writing and next thing we know I am deep into the hell that is my mind.  At this moment, I feel we may already be about three fathoms into this deep, dark place, so I hope you brought a light, because I am almost positive we will not be able to see our hand in front of our face in here.

Why am I this way?  I had a good childhood.  I was an only child, but I had a couple of families my parents were friends with that had a group of brothers that I felt were almost as close as brothers could have ever been.  We played football, baseball, basketball and any other kind of ball we could find.  Sometimes we did not even have a ball.  We just used up a balled up wad of tape.  Our parents did not like us to play with guns, so we made our own out of Legos.  We played hide and seek at night in golf courses, cemeteries, corn fields, and throughout entire city blocks.  Then as I got older I made many friends and had about as much fun in life as I probably could have and definitely more than I should have. 

My parents took very good care of me physically and materially.   I had a great relationship with my grandfather on my dad's side and loved the other three grandparents, even if they had their quirks.  I got to see Star Wars, E.T. and Raiders of the Lost Arc.  I had a "girlfriend" in kindergarten for crying out loud.  (Then there was a long 11 year drought in the girlfriend department. Throughout that time I hoped I hadn't peaked at 6 years old.)

That was the positive, now on to the negative I had in my life.  I hated school with a passion.  I was treated like crap for being a porky, short and awkward adolescent.  Fatboy, Butterball, and Fat Ass were some of my nicknames throughout Junior High and my Freshman and Sophomore years.  That all ended when I showed up Junior year having grown out of most of the baby fat. 

Additionally, I hardly ever tried in school.  Almost every teacher I ever had said I had a great deal of potential if I would just try.  I had a counselor tell me once that the reason I was the way I was in school was because I found school boring because it did not challenge me (and then he sent me back to my same old boring class.  Good job Mr. Counselor.).  I would agree with what the counselor said in some ways, but man do I hate math and I do not think that has anything to do with me being bored with it.  I was always a rockstar when it came to English courses.  When I was in 4th grade I tested at a college level in English.  Even so, pretty much this is the way every semester went in school: 1st Quarter D average, 2nd Quarter C average, 3rd Quarter F average, 4th Quarter C- average.  I actually almost flunked English my senior year which would have meant summer school, so I went from an F- average in 3rd quarter to a D+.  I am the quintessential under-achiever.

Then there was a period of time in my life where I felt like everyone I knew was going away in one way or another.  Guys I grew up with choosing to run off with worthless girls...or in one case another guy.  Pretty much every girl I ever dated wound up in trouble in some way or another.  My first "love" dumped me like last weeks garbage.  Then I was so hung up on her I probably was blind to other opportunities that were right in front of me.

However, most of my friends that got drug off by girls came back (Can't say the same for the guy that went off with the other guy).   I ended up marrying a wonderful person and great friend.  I ran a successful business for 15 years.   So why the heck am I such a jerk?

Sure there were a few things like school, verbal abuse, and anxiety that I dealt with when I was younger.  I had my beliefs about friends being inseparable shattered to a million pieces.  I had my heart stepped on by a girl and then I was too protective of it.  After 15 years of running that successful business I had to drop our biggest account because they no longer felt like treating us as a business partner but rather they treated us like poop on a shoe.

Really though, these are not the reasons I am a jerk.  Partly it comes down to genetics.  From what I understand my great grand father was a boozing, womanizing, physically abusive man.  As a result my grandmother is not the worlds nicest person.  On top of that, there are some people I am related to that are Coo-Coo for Coco Puffs and that goes back a couple generations.  Hence, you can see that I have all kinds of things going against me in the genetics department. 

Another, I think obvious cause to me being a jerk, is me being an only child.  I am used to getting my way, I think I am right all the time, and I think there should always be a just way to handle things.  Therefore, if I don't get my way, you prove me wrong, or there is a perceived injustice, I will most likely deal with you in a harsh, bombastic way.

Most of all though, I am a jerk because I am stuck in stinkin' Lincoln. I have been trying to get out of this place for 15 years, and hear I sit.

With all of these things in mind, let me say I am making no excuses.  I would love nothing more than being the chipper, always bright eyed and bushy tailed guy that you cut off in traffic and he just waves and says he's sorry for being in your way.  Instead I am the guy that after being cut off might reach for his bottle of water and think very seriously about chucking it at the offender. (99.9999999% of the time I stop myself.)  I wish I was the guy that could just be content with everything that life bestows upon him.  Instead I am the guy that looks at his situation and thinks, "Why didn't I take that left turn instead of a right? Maybe things would have worked out better that way."

All I can say is, thank goodness for pharmaceuticals!  You should thank goodness too.  Otherwise you could be driving along and unknowingly cut someone off and then moments later feel the sting of a half empty water bottle striking the side of your head.