Let's Talk Some Football

Since our subject matter is supposed to be about Stinkin' Lincoln, let's talk about Stinkin' Lincoln's pride and joy, the Nebraska Cornhuskers. I don't even know how to start this off. The Huskers offense is horrible. How's that? It is a crying shame to have such an incredible defense with a guy that came back for his senior year and gave up millions of dollars to do so and have such a pathetic excuse for an offensive unit. Many people want to point the finger at one person, that being Zac Lee. However, it's not just Lee, though he is part of the problem. Still, it's not his fault if he throws the ball right between the numbers and his receiver drops the pass. It's amazing that you can go from having two slow white guys as your leading WRs from last season to a bunch of guys that are head and shoulders above the guys from last year athletically, but the only thing they can catch is H1N1. Then what was supposed to be the Husker's strength going into the season, their running game, has either fallen flat, fumbled the ball away or not been given a chance to succeed by their offensive coordinator. I understand that I haven't played the game before at the college level and it's hard for me to understand, but, I have eyes, I have seen what can be accomplished when they are given the chance. Every time the Huskers start playing the power game, they have success. But if there is one little hiccup, Sean Watson goes away from it. Yet they will pass the ball rain or shine, completion or interception until the cows come home.

So, this all begs the question, what is wrong and how do they fix it? Now, I am no expert, but I have made some observations. From what I hear in the Husker camp, the team is very business like in their approach to preparations to games. Whereas I do feel this has it's place, maybe it's making the team a little too uptight. Maybe if they would just relax and have some fun they wouldn't be pressing so much and coming in tight. Last week they gave up some early points in the first quarter, and then this week we see the same thing. Is it perhaps time to just have a few shots of Jack Daniels before they head out for the Tunnel Walk? Heck, it worked for the Boston Red Sox, why not us. The team just simply seems to be trying TOO hard.

Another possible problem is attrition. This is a normal process in the College Football world. Players will leave teams, or be kicked off teams, that is as sure as the sun coming up tomorrow. But, it has hit the Huskers pretty hard this last year. We had our co-number 1 quarterback, in Patrick Witt, quit the team because the coaches wouldn't declare him the starter before the start of spring camp. Then you have Quentin Castille being booted off the team for reasons that I will not go into. When both of those guys left, I figured the team was bigger than those two guys. Turns out, maybe the team isn't. It has become abundantly clear why Witt was the number 2 guy last season ahead of Zac Lee. Plus, we see why Castille was the number 2 guy ahead of about 6 other mediocre running backs.

No matter the reason, I hope the Husker coaching staff can figure out what to do. Pelini is an incredible defensive coach. I just hope he figures out who he can trust on the offensive side of the ball. I like Bo, and I want to see him succeed here in Nebraska. The nice thing is, Tom Osborne knows the value of giving a coach time to figure things out. Therefore, Pelini won't have to worry about his job, at least for the foreseeable future.

Super Scumbag!!!

Well boys and girls, it's been a while since we spoke. Somehow the fun has been zapped from this little blog thingy. I know why, and you know why, so why beat a dead horse? But, still things happen on a daily basis that I think I should write about. This is just one anecdote that I can't let pass by.

I was in the booming metropolis of Fremont, NE on Wednesday night. We have been doing some extra work there the passed week or so. Up until that point things were going pretty smoothly. Which is amazing considering we were working in a 24 hour store. It's amazing the upset one can cause when you close off 4 aisles of a 24 hour store. I do understand the people's frustration. Especially the people that come into the drug store that are in the middle of a life and death situation. You know, the drunk guy that needs some water and a frozen pizza. The skunky reefer smelling dude that has the munchies and NEEDS some snacks. Then we have my personal favorite, the guy that just got called by his parole officer and the parolee needs to come in the next morning for a drug test, and he has got to get the crack he smoked the night before out of his system, which he thinks he can do by eating a lot of fiber and drinking a lot of water. I would have hated to be that guys cell mate the next few days. Although, that's one way to keep from getting raped in prison. Anyhow, it's because of people like that, we have to put up a gauntlet for the customers to keep them out. I put up yellow tape that says, "KEEP OFF THE NEW FLOOR", then I use displays that we had to move and shopping carts to block the entries to the section we are working on. The carts are nice because they also serve as an alarm. As soon as I hear the carts being pulled apart, I know someone is attempting to breach our fortress. But, things had gone smoothly the previous nights. We hardly had anybody come in the store let alone anyone needing something in the section we had closed off. But, that was all about to change. At about 1 AM, three guys that looked like they were straight off the mean streets of Fremont came in and got some stuff out of the candy aisle and looked at some magazines and then headed out. But then, about 2 hours later, the same three guys came in and brought three of their friends. I'm not sure what they thought had changed. Now, I have this knack of knowing who is going to give us trouble. So, as soon as I saw these jokers, I quickly finished up what I was doing and started to head over to the area they were headed. I got about half way there and I heard my "alarm" go off. By the time I turned the corner to cut them off, they had my carts pulled out of the way and were all starting to march onto our freshly cleaned floor. Just then, I felt a rush of adrenalin and I transformed from the meek and mild janitor into the Incredible Janitor. I said, "NOPE! Get back on the other side of that barrier RIGHT NOW, or I will call the cops!" The mention of the word "cops" sent them and the beer in their pockets quickly back behind the barrier. But then one of them says, "For what!?" I pointed to the KEEP OUT tape and said, "It's called trespassing!" (Of course I made that up, because depending on the cop you would get, they might be able to hang a ticket on them for destruction of private property, but that is about it and that is only if they end up damaging a floor waxing job.) They then said, "Can you get us some stuff?", and I said, "If you had asked to begin with, I would have, but since you chose to disrespect us, you can walk down to HyVee." I then headed back to what I was doing in the back of the store. Then from the other side of our barrier the shortest and smallest guy of the bunch pokes his head around the corner and asks me to come over there. I explain to him that I am busy, what does he need. It is about at this time I realize how drunk the guy is.

He says, "Do you own this?"

I say, "Own what?"

"This CVS!"

First of all we were not in a CVS and secondly, what would the owner of a CVS be doing in the store in the middle of the night cleaning the floors? So, naturally, I say, "No."

He says, "Say you own it..."

I say, "What!?"

He says, "Say you own it... just say it! And, like, a group of guys come in to buy some stuff and they spend $20, that's 20 bucks out of your pocket, man. You're gonna turn away $20!?"

Me, "Take it up with the manager, man, I'm busy."

Drunk dude, "I'm talkin' to you, man! We came in here, we didn't want any trouble, we just wanted to some food. We didn't do anything wrong, and..."

Me, "You see, that is where you are wrong, the second you crossed our barrier, you started trouble and did something wrong!"

Drunk dude, "Fine! Have fun workin' at CVS! %$#@ SCUMBAG!!!"

At that point the manager comes over and kicks them out of the store and follows them out so they don't get any ideas. Usually when something like this happens, the first thing I am concerned about is the offended person going out and doing something to one of my trucks. But they started making their way to HyVee, which was about 6 blocks down the road in the cold and rain.

Now, the thing that gets me about the exchange I had with the brainiac in the back of the store, is the end where he calls me a "Scumbag". If that wasn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. I take a certain satisfaction that by the looks of this guy the best job he could ever hope for is drug smuggler and/or runner. I sure as heck wouldn't hire him to even clean a toilet. Why do people put tattoos on their necks anyway? Is it so they can limit the jobs they can ever get hired for? That way they can continue to collect unemployment and stay up late and harass the floor cleaning guys? It sure seems that way sometimes.

The Grass is Always Greener

Okay, what the hizzie!? (Look that one up in a your urban dictionary.) In typical Nebraska fashion, we went directly from Summer to Winter. Okay, okay. I know it's not as cold as it is going to get, but I happen to enjoy FALL. What we are experiencing here in the Midwest is what it feels like right before the snow starts flying. Like I said, I enjoy fall. In fact, until recently, it was my favorite season. I love the colors of fall, the cool weather, football, and even the occasional cloudy/rainy day. But enough is enough. Rain, rain go away, come again...IN SPRING! I am sure I will get no sympathy, or even empathy for this next statement, but here it goes. What makes all this worse is it's hard to come back from very summery conditions in Grand Cayman to near winter-like conditions here in Hell Frozen-over, USA. Imagine, one day you are on a boat in the middle of the ocean with the sun beating down on you and the temp a horrible 105 degrees, then a couple days later you get off the plane in Omaha, and it's 38. No wonder I caught a cold. That is a tremendous shock to the system. But, like I said, I am sure you are all thinking, "Cry me a river!". So, I will just shut up about the most wonderful place I have ever been, Grand Cayman. But seriously, this weather is just not my cup of tea. I have never considered moving away from this place. But, every passing year, my shoulders hurt more and more, I get more and more grumpy the closer we get to winter, and then when winter comes I get into my full fledged funk (say that one three times fast). My wife is annoyed with me. I am annoyed with me. Yep, the past few year, when we arrive at this most horrible time of the year, I start fantasizing about moving far, far, far, FAR away from here. But then I wonder, where would I go? Arizona? Nah, too hot in the summer. Texas? Nah, not only do I hate the state, but also, my wife has family down there. NO-THANK-YOU! Florida? Too humid. California? Too many people. Washington state? Hmmmm. Tempting. But, I have only been there in August and September, which are the best months to be there. Perfect weather, and Dave Matthews plays a 3 day concert every year. From what I hear, the sun hardly shines the rest of the year. That's exactly what I am complaining about now, why jump out of the frying pan and into the fire? How about Hawaii? Not independently wealthy. As you can see, the grass is always greener on the other side of the country. However, in a few years, as my bones start to ache more and more, maybe I won't care about hot summers.

The Human Race = Retards

I have a confession to make. I am an eaves dropper. I don't know that it is always on purpose, but I find myself listening to other people conversations on quite a regular basis. I like to think of it as something to do with my being an only child. An only child is always looking for things to entertain themselves. I think I have always viewed listening to other peoples conversations as entertainment. The things I hear very from "who cares" to scandalous. For those of you that don't understand only children, if you are talking and someone who happens to be an only child is just sitting there staring into space, or looking like they are contemplating the meaning of life, we are probably just soaking up everything that is going on in a room. I bring this up because I have come to a conclusion about people in general. Are you ready for this? Well, ready or not, here it comes! We, as the human race, are retarded!

I know some people may find this term offensive, but I figure I have offended plenty of people up to this point, it can't get much worse now. As I walk around and just peep in here and there on conversations everywhere, people are always complaining about other people. And rightly so. We are ALL, myself included, a bunch of absolute morons. Most of the time we think we are in the right, but in actuality, we are usually in the wrong. Try as we might, our selfish, imperfect selves get in the way of anything we might try to accomplish. I sometimes find myself thinking I am above such things, but then at a moment of clarity, like right now, I realize I could quite possibly be the biggest retard of all. I say things that hurt people. I throw a fit about things when I should just say, "Thank you" and move on. I roll my eyes when I should just say, "You know, maybe you are right." And I fart in your general direction when you tell me the obvious things I should already have gathered.

The reality of it all is we really should just all think of ourselves as the lowest person on the planet. Think about it. If we all went around thinking everyone was superior to us, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, would go so much smoother and maybe we would never get mad at other people for standing in our way, or if they say something insensitive. Maybe, if someone said something about us, we would look at it and say, "Maybe there is some shred of truth to what they are saying about me", and then try to make some changes to better ourselves.

But no. We all choose to be idiots (myself included), and view ourselves as the superior one. "Why did that idiot step on my foot and not say he was sorry?" It's thinking like this that makes me wonder how we haven't killed each other off by now. But, the human race lives on.

Yet, even with this revelation of mine, tomorrow, someone will be in my way, or step on foot, and I will wonder why this person has come into my the screenplay that is my life and ruined the scene. When in reality, I should just look at them, smile and ask them if I am in their way. Ugh! It really sucks being human.

Grand Cayman Trip

I just realized, I haven't said anything about my trip to Grand Cayman. Well, in a word, spectacular! I was gone for 7 days, which means I had 5 complete days on the island. Grand Cayman is ex-pen-sive! It's so expensive that they don't even use the expression, "There is no such thing as a free lunch." Rather they say, "There is no such thing as a lunch under $10." Actually, I made that up. That's why it wasn't funny. But, I was prepared for the cost and did just fine. Though, I wasn't able to bring anything back for my friends or employees as gifts. But really, that is more because of the flight rules than a lack of money. I wanted to buy rum for everyone. Afterall, who goes to a Caribbean island and doesn't bring back rum. Me, apparently. The reason for this is because I either would have had to pack the rum in my suitcase or smuggle it onto the airplane some how. Neither sounded like good options. If I put it in my luggage, I don't think it would have survived. I sat next to the window on a few flights down there and was able to watch them load and unload the luggage. Gentle, baggage handlers are not. So, I didn't like the prospect of getting home and having rum soaked clothes. There are many things I enjoy rum soaked, but clothes are not one of them. I know a guy that this happened to. He had to throw everything away. The idea of smuggling something on board the plane seemed impossible. Plus with the close proximity of Guantanamo Bay, I chose not to push it. So, I plan to go to Sam's and get my employees some booze there.

The highlight of the trip was diving, diving and more diving. It was awesome. In five days we did 13 dives. The first two days I had to spend getting my certification. But our dive master was a pretty cool guy. He made it nice and relaxed. The only thing I was really nervous about was the "emergency assent". This is when if you run out of air while in the deep, you swim straight to the surface. This is a last resort, because you are risking getting "the bends" really bad. But, if you run out of air, and your diving buddy is no where to be found, you are better off getting the bends than drowning. What you do for the emergency assent is blow out your air from your lungs very slowly all the way to the surface. My buddy got certified in Jamaica and his dive master made him do this from 30 feet below the surface and the guy turned off his air. So, that made me a bit nervous. I was relieved when our dive master told us we were going to do it at 15 feet and we were just going to simulate being out of air, rather than actually turning off the tank. Piece of cake! The only thing is, I blew out too much air in the beginning and about the last 5 feet I was out of air. But I made it.

Once I got certified, it was time for some fun. My buddy and me went on a night dive. That was a bit freaky. I was swimming so close to my buddy that I got kicked in the face a couple times. I am glad he knew where he was going, because I was lost. I had no clue which way it was back to the shore. Later on, he admitted to me he was a little lost for a couple minutes, too. Which I thought he may have been, because at one point he leads into a dead end and then just kind of looked at me. Talk about reassuring. The next day, we went out on the boat and the dive master took us to two deep dives. We went to "The Wall", which is the point where the shelf the island is sitting on drops down to 6,000 feet. So, imagine being at 80 feet and you come to a cliff where all you can see is deep blue water. This is the area where a man from Omaha the day before we got there died of a heart attack. Now you know why he had the heart attack. We swam down a little ways to look around, only getting as deep as 115 feet. Like our dive master said, you really don't see anything different at that depth than you would at 60 feet. But, somehow you just feel cool being at 115 feet.

After that dive we went to another site. The dive master told us it was going to be murky down there. Which it was. The previous dive we could see for 100 feet, on this dive we could see 30 feet. Which the dive master tells us, by the way, that this is the type of water sharks like to hangout in. So, with this reassuring information we drop to the reef. Yep, murky! Yep, SHARK!!! Actually, I am the only one that got to see the shark. He was making his exit when I saw him. He was about 8 feet long and bookin' it outta there. Fortunately, my buddy believed me that I saw a shark. He said you can tell by peoples reaction that they truly have seen a shark. Usually a great deal of animated gesturing and excitement. To see a shark is actually pretty rare. My buddy has been on 70 dives and seen just a hand full of sharks. So, if this is what keeps you from diving, get over it. Plus, they really are more scared of you than you are of them. I think I heard that there are only about 5 shark attacks a year for scuba divers throughout the world. Most of them happen because someone is being stupid. For proof of this, go to youtube and look up shark attacks. I saw one bozo on youtube kiss a shark and the shark just about bit his lip off. Just enough was left attached that they could sew it back on. Side point here: I got a blister on both of my second toes and they ended up bursting (the blister, not the toe). Let me just say that an open sore and salty ocean water do not mix! Imagine having your lip bit off in that same water. Ow!! Talk about salt in the wound.

Well, that is probably enough info for you to digest for now. I will write more later. Until then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. I'm Casey Kasem. (Is he dead?)